December 23, 2005
Six
Lunch is the best part about working in a television station. You feel like those rock stars you see in Mtv Cribs. There’s everything you might possibly want to eat or drink, and if there’s something in particular you want that isn’t there, all you have to do is ask.
“You like that, don’t you?� Kathryn means the fifty million big macs I’ve had up to now. “It’s the best part about working in a television station.�
“This is hardly television,� Kathryn says sticking a finger in the cheese dip. “I’m tired of this shit.� Marcia was right then, Kathryn is upset about something. The way she licks her finger full of cheese dip reminds you of why you should be careful what your kids look up on the internet.
I have to ask, “You ok?� now she’ll say no, then a pause then she’ll say yes.
“No, everything’s just peachy.� She smiles. She pauses. She speaks. “Well, it’s just I’m getting tired of this, you know?� I do know. But I say, “What do you mean?� asking Kathryn to explain something is like trying to get a frog to comprehend what a tetrahedron is. It’s useless and stupid.
“I don’t know, you know? It’s like everything is so… I don’t know. It’s just so… God! So, out of context. Like, this isn’t what was supposed to happen, you know? Like… I don’t know, you know?� She’s one of those people who always asks everyone else if they know.
“Marcia said you were upset about something. Are you thinking of quitting?� “No, I’m thinking of changing, you know? Changing everything, not leaving, just changing.� She rolls her eyes up to the ceiling, where some people are straightening some lights. “Marcia’s a bitch.� She says this, and brings her eyes down to me. Then she winks her right eye, dips her finger in the dip once more and leaves.
I look down at the dip and I can see where her finger came out. God knows where that finger’s been, there’s no way I’m trying that dip.
What made Kathryn say Marcia was a bitch is beyond me, but she seemed very determined so I figured she must have her reasons.
“And so, you see why this vacuum is so much more? Not only have I demonstrated here how you can suck up pretty much anything, but you’ve also seen how it can clean up your drain pipes and work as a leaf or snow blower! But wait, there’s more! There’s a small surprise I’ve saved for the end.�
“Really? I’ll have to see that to believe it, Dave!�
“Oh, and you will Heather. Have you ever had trouble reaching up on top of the kitchen cabinets or that spot just above the windows?�
“Oh yes, I know what you’re talking about. I hate that spot!�
“Well, with the 3000 Deluxe Whale Vacuum, you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Because you can also use the actual vacuum as a stepping stool to reach those places and since the hose is the longest you’ll ever find, you won’t have any problems reaching those awfull high places.�
If you think that’s phony, you should hear it in spanish. That’s what Kathryn is tired of, that’s what she meant by out of context. She doesn’t know what “out of context� is, but that’s what she meant.
December 6, 2005
Five
It’s interesting how every year your capacity for doing things drops a little. It used to be people had to walk. Then there were bicycles, then there were cars. It used to be people had to drive. Now we have cruise-control. It used to be people had to ink, write and dry. Now we have type-writers. It used to be people had to type and change the paper and rewrite everything every time they decided to make some change. Now we have voice-recognition and copy-paste. Even sentences get shorter with time. They do.
What I do for a living always makes people laugh. I’m basically an actor whose job is to overact, a salesperson that sells shit no one wants, and a television host for a show no one watches. Well, there’s some people that watch it. It gets translated to about ten different languages.
Where I am right now is the parking lot of Studio 4. There’s only one studio here, and they still call it Studio 4. Marcia should be finishing the make-up on Kathryn right about now. I call Kathryn, Heather on the show. She calls me Dave.
“Hey Joe. What do you know?� That’s Marcia. She saw A.I. too many times. Imagine Rosie O’Donnel, then slap on Fran Drescher’s voice, throw Phoebe Buffay in there, and complement that with Barney the dinosaur’s sense of humor. That’s Marcia. She was a nice girl.
“Hey, Marcia. Is Kathryn here yet?� I ask to make conversation while we get to the make-up chairs.
“Yeah, she got here really early, like always. She seems a bit upset today, though.� Marcia was the sort of person who somehow read other people’s feelings. She also believed in astrology.
Kathryn is sitting on the set already trying to memorize her lines. Her P.A. is on her cell phone with the laundromat fighting over some stains in one of Kathryn’s dresses. Think: Monica Lewinski. Imagine Suzanne Sommers, mix that with Winona Ryder’s ability to get in trouble, Monica Geller’s analness and throw in Cameron Diaz’s laugh. That’s Kathryn.
Today is a full day multicamera shoot for a vacuum cleaner that could suck someone’s stomach out if you put it in their mouth. If one were so inclined. The way Marcia puts make-up on me, makes me look like I just won a Ken doll look-a-like contest. She does the what-do-you-know joke again and leaves me to familiarize myself with the product.
I’m supposed to be this incredibly smart man who knows just about everything there is to know about everything and therefore always has the best products ever and shows them to my co-star Heather.
All she has to do is say “Wow!� “Really?� “Amazing!� “How does it work?� “It probably costs a million dollars!� and “Where can I get it?�.
I have to say a lot more, but always remember to every once in a while throw in a little “And there’s more!�.
Marcia is sitting just off-stage ready to run with her make-up case up to Kathryn or me and touch us up. Turn us into the winners of some doll look-a-like contest.
Four
It’s a weird thing not waking up to the sounds of sirens and the honking of cars. Today was different. Today I was able to relax and lay in bed day-dreaming to the soothing sounds of the south pacific.
Waves hitting rocks and sand in an endless loop, and miles of water stretching out forever.
Sea gulls account for 50% of documented aircraft-bird strikes, they lay three to four eggs and their incubation period is nineteen to twenty-two days. They feed on fish, crabs, shrimp, aerial insects and garbage. They foul residential and commercial buildings and public areas with their smelly shit. They’re considered pests. They also make a sound you can’t help associating with the sea. This is what I hear.
The place I’m in reminds me of a movie I saw a long time ago. I can’t remember the name or what it’s about, so we can overlook that.
Click.
Shit.
Click… and that empty sound of nothing that comes out of speakers when the sound stops. It’s over. 18 un-interrumpted hours of water, waves and sand. And the honking begins.
Everything comes back to focus and the warmth and light from the beach drift away. It’s cold, my knee will begin to hurt in a few seconds. I sit up on the bed and look down at a tiny scar I have on my right knee. It’s hardly visible anymore, but the pain seems to get stronger every year.
I live in the 20th floor of what Jack would call a filing cabinet for widows and young professionals.
I hardly even realized I lit a cigarrette until I felt my fingers were burning.
The way you make waffles is you press TIME then 2:30, then START. The way you make coffee is you put water in a cup, add two tablespoons of powdered coffee, press TIME, then 2:00, then START. I would hate being amish.
Breakfast is over when it’s time for it to be over and a logical stream of consequential actions begins. First comes the shower. Then the clothes. I used to take up almost twenty minutes choosing what shirt to wear with which pants and what socks and so on. Now I usually don’t even bother looking for anything, I just take whatever’s on the top of the drawer. I don’t have to worry about that anymore, other people choose my clothes for me.
42 Towels 